I found myself sitting in a hole recently that was the result of taking up responsibility for something that wasn’t mine. This wasn’t apparent to me initially, all I knew was that I was extremely agitated over a situation.
So I sat in that hole.
As I sat, I realised that I know this particular hole, I’ve spent quite some time here on a myriad of occasions. I will call it the Hole of Misplaced Responsibility.
Feeling responsible for everything working out, for nothing going wrong, for everyone to be ok.
Perhaps you can relate?
Of course, I know that there are obligations that are rightfully ours to shoulder and manage. That is a part of adult life. However, if we add to that burden responsibility that doesn’t belong to us, that isn’t ours to carry the pressure can become intense, bringing with it feelings of resentment and anger. If it becomes our default, it can push us to the brink of burnout. It’s important to work out what is ours to carry and what we need to put down and allow others to pick up and carry for themselves.
Often the misplaced burdens are put on us by others, either consciously or unconsciously. In that case, some inspection and mending of our own personal boundaries may be called for. (For more about boundaries, click here for last month’s article if you missed it).
Sometimes we pick up these burdens ourselves, unasked. This was my recent experience. No-one coerced or pushed me into that hole, I tripped myself up and slid down to land in the dirt at the bottom. Also a boundary issue; in this instance I was the one sabotaging my own fence line.
Now what?
Notice what’s happening. For me, recognising what I was doing was a good start, as was realising that I’m not actually helping anyone through this behaviour. Exploring and processing why I do it is a longer, deeper practice.
Even as I climbed out and dusted myself off, I knew I would probably fall into this particular hole again … and again. That’s ok, that too is part of this adult life. The trees I can see from my window as I write remind me that growth comes in part from what is taking place underground.
I don’t need to be afraid of the hole.
For more information about the therapeutic process, or to enquire about accessing my support as a therapist, please click here.
