In my last post I explored how we can get into trouble in our attempts to develop a strong self-esteem; falling into the traps of high achievement, comparison and self-criticism. Today, I’m putting self-compassion under the spotlight.
What does it look like?
Self-compassion is viewing oneself with kindness and understanding. My sense of self is not dependent on how successful I am or on what others think of me. Rather, it is shaped by my recognition and acceptance of my own humanity and what that encompasses; having weaknesses, imperfections, fears, experiences of failure and suffering. My worth is no longer located externally to myself.
Room for self-care
Viewing myself compassionately means there is room to comfort and care for myself. There’s no need to bully myself through life – often by employing shame-inducing tactics – trying to reach a self- or other-imposed ideal. I don’t strive to be perfect because I recognise that perfection is unattainable. My inner critic can quieten down and rest, creating room for me to experience my more nurturing, supportive side.
Enables connection
Practising self-compassion naturally expands outwards towards others. As there is less pressure to measure up or be better than, I no longer regard others as competition. As I treat myself with gentleness and respect, I am able to extend the same to those I am in contact with. We no longer need to be pitted against one another, instead there’s a shared experience of being in the same boat and trying to do the best we can.
Sound a little too “warm and fuzzy”?
We can be so accustomed to harshly judging and pushing ourselves that we may be afraid that practising self-compassion will result in us becoming lazy and unmotivated. Self-compassion is not a ticket to idle indulgence. It is not about letting ourselves off the hook and not trying. We still hold onto our own authentic goals; the difference lies in how we work our way towards them. No longer are we driven by the internal nagging critic, instead we are accompanied by an empathetic guide who knows our strengths and limitations and supports us through our successes as well as our failures.
Carl Rogers said “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”. Practising self-compassion is being able to metaphorically scoop up that little person who lives inside each one of us, hug them tight and tell them that we love them. And for that little person to believe it.
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